Religion lost, belief found.

Ok, so once I believed in Christianity. I think it may have been because it is what you are expected to believe, just like in olden days if you lived in Rome, you believed in the Roman gods & goddesses. I first started out in a Southern Baptist church that I barely remember as it was where my parents took us. Then when we moved out of Texas and moved to Arizona the first time around, we did not actually go to church, and I really do not know why. I guess my parents weren’t really religious. Well, then after we lost everything due to their habits, we moved to Nevada in Henderson for a short time and this nice family took us in. We went to the Salvation Army church they had for a bit, then when we got our own place we stopped going to church yet again.

After a fashion we moved back to Arizona to Glendale and lived in an Apartment. Again I will tell you we didn’t go to church. Now as you might imagine one not growing up in a non-religious atmosphere, that I did not feel as if those I was missing out on any thing. When I moved out on my own, and got my own apartment, for some reason I had a notion that I ought to go to church again.

At first it was good, I volunteered to come in before service and straighten bibles and hymnals. Occasionally I made it in on Saturdays to do some cleaning. I even at one point helped make up communion, at which point I would help pass it out during service. I felt great, and welcome there. So much so that I decided to be baptized there. Yet I never felt anything, never once was there a “connection” to god. Soon the church was involved in internal politics (no not the Dem vs. Rep kind), first there was another church that had petitioned to join the Denomination (Disciples of Christ). One problem, this church did not denounce Homosexuality, in fact the had the audacity (sarcasm) to minister to them! Well, at a church meeting about it, and the possibility of gays coming to our church for ministry, caused such a fraction that I could not believe it! We weren’t asked to perform marriages for them, or have sex or something, yet the people in my church got into shouting matches and used rather hateful language. Shortly after the meeting everyone went to the “Fellowship Hall” for dinner, at this point I looked around and could not believe that these people were the same people who just argued and lost control a few moments before. I could not believe that the message of Salvation on pertained to those who were perfect!

Second the church elders decided that the pastor Micro-managed too much and booted him out. We had an interim pastor come through that made it quite clear where he stood on the issue of Homosexuality. I don’t know about the vote, I left before it took place I guess, I didn’t care after that. I would also point out that it was at this point that I was struggling with my Sexuality. My mother and sister were the ones that got me out of the closet so to speak, and helped me accept who I was and gave me love.

My sister had found out about this Church over in Dallas that catered to Gay people, in fact it was a Gay church. I gave it a try and found that I enjoyed it, as I went on Saturday nights and attended the “come as you are” set up. We could dress in jeans and a T-Shirt and it did not matter. It was a relaxed setting, and I met some very nice people, and of course volunteered some. That is until several senior pastors decided that they had a problem with the pastor who gave sermons on Saturday and got rid of her, then canceled that service. The moved it to Sunday, with similar them of come as you are but not the same atmosphere. As you can guess, I did not stay long.

I eventually found my way towards Wicca. After having read the Bible and disbelieving in all the violence of the god in it, I felt I needed something else. And a friend of mine was teaching a small class and I kind of got into it. It worked for me for a time. The class eventually broke up, and I can’t remember why. But I tried staying as a solitary for sometime there after.

Of course it too never felt right, I did not have any “connection”. So I decided it was time for me to accept something that did fit with what I thought, and felt. Deism. Deism can be defined greatly and no doubt at length, But the short version is: There is a creator (god if you will) that brought everything thing in to being. However this creator does not, nor ever has interacted with humanity.I like this as there is no doctrines, there is no “holy book” that has countless acts of violence through out, and full of hypocrisy.

I miss Christianity, I miss the idea that there is a caring fatherly figure god out there that is concerned for your wellbeing. But reading the Bible has shown me violence, and lack of concern by this same god in the “old” testament. As much as I would like to pray and feel that someone is listening and answers, I know in my heart and mind that this is not true. Sometimes I wish it were, and that the bible had not been written like it was with violence, and apathy from their god. That this so-called “unchanging” god, suddenly does a 180 and decides that he cares for our wellbeing and therefore sent his “son” to die for us.

There are times that I feel the loss so much that I just want to join a church again, but as I say I remember what I have read in the Bible and that keeps me from accepting it. That god in there is not a loving god, and nothing can convince me of that. Well, this is my opinion and you can disagree strongly, but I can have my opinion.

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